Imaginary Plot Wednesday: The TSA’s British Airport Security Allies Foil the Plot of the Plastic Bag

Submitted by R.

To demonstrate how your British allies are keeping us in the U.K. safe, I can tell you that the brave, selfless security personnel, with no thought for their own safety, recently foiled the plot of the plastic bag. It is a chilling tale all the more dastardly for this attempt was made by me, qualified Air Crew.

I was passing through crew security with my nightstop liquids in a small plastic see- through bag. I used a sandwich bag from a supermarket because the ones at the airport are a total rip off. After X Raying my nav bag the Mall Cop reject spotted the liquids bag and said this was unacceptable. It had to be the size the airport provided. This is wrong as the guidelines ( GUIDELINES not law ) state the capacity of the  bag should be no greater than 1 Litre. Her words, God help us:

“You can’t take that bag through security.”

No problem. I took all my toiletries out of the bag and handed her the contraband.

“No, you can’t do that. I have to X Ray them in the bag.”

“Er, you X Rayed them just now.”

“That wasn’t the right bag, I have to screen your liquids in the right bag .”

“What difference will that make?”

I know, gentle reader, what was I thinking, appealing to reason?

“It has to be the right bag.”

So off I went to pay one dollar fifty for two official sandwich bags. On returning I put my liquids in the bag airside. The liquids hadn’t moved throughout this exchange. I handed the correct bag to the screener so that they could be X Rayed in the correct plastic see through pouch.

“I don’t need to do that,”she said.“ “They are in the right bag now.”

Incredulous, I put my liquids in my nav bag and looked at the rest of the crew. They all had perplexed looks on their face.

So, fear not nervous traveler. The correct brand of see through bag is being enforced on all aircrew in the U.K. No favouritism will blight their righteous quest.

Ever vigilant, ever watchful.

Imaginary Plot Wednesdays and Mondays

I’ve decided that I’m going to be posting the Plots We Imagined contest entries on Mondays and or Wednesdays, starting this Wednesday, all the way up to the 3 winning entries. These fictional plots– inspired by the Fictional Terrorist Plot Contests Bruce Schneier used to hold– should keep coming for about 3 months or so.

In other news, I assume that it’s recertification testing season somewhere in the nation for TSA, if not everywhere. My article, “On the TSA’s Recertification System,” has been going relatively viral on Facebook, with around 200 views coming in off Facebook per day for the past week. I have a strange feeling that those are TSA employees sharing and reading the article. I also got a couple emails from TSA employees expressing their disaffection with the testing system and the higher-ups who run it.

Hey TSA employees, guess what? I’m no longer one of you guys, but I do my best to stand up for your sorry asses and get the word out about the things that are wrong with that organization. You know that the recertification system is absurd and broken as well as I do. It’s probably the worst part about the job, all around. Here’s an idea: How about some of you come out and voice your opinion on the matter in more than just emails that you don’t want me to publish? It’s your shitty testing system to deal with, not mine (anymore). If you want to just sit around quietly enduring that ridiculous bullshit, then hey, have fun with that. Don’t say I didn’t try to get the word out to the public.

 

TSA Story Contest Entry #1: The STRIPPER Program

Submission by MDT, who blogs here.

TSA TO REMOVE NUDE BODY SCANNERS, REPLACE THEM WITH POLES

 

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Washington DC-

After the Transportation Security Administration discontinued the use of the controversial ‘nude’ body scanners, many wondered what new type of intrusive and questionable practice would take its place. TSA Executive -Type-Person, John Pistole, announced a new program on Tuesday that he claims will be less intrusive and more effective for passengers.

He stated, “The evil, ugly, and rude terrorists that are out there won’t stop until we are all dead. Thus, we need to continue to expand our intrusions on civil liberties so that they don’t win.”

He then added “Hell, there may be some terrorists under your bed. We just don’t know. So, I am pleased to announce a new program called the System to Register and Improve Passenger Performance, Efficiency, and Respect, or STRIPPER. It consists of a metal pole mounted on the floor and ceiling of the Security screening area at passenger check in. It is filled with all the latest electronics and sensors that, frankly, make Robocop look like a wind-up toy.”

The TSA has been under heavy criticism from bloggers and other online media for having nonsensical and invasive policies. With the announcement today the TSA has promised to balance rights, stripping, security and sexual gratification with freedom for travelers. Pistole continued, “With the latest intelligence we have received, the average terrorist is now most likely female, between the ages of 18 and 29, and under 120 lbs. Under the STRIPPER program, only passengers who fit this profile will be required to sensually swing around the scanner poles.” When asked to explain the logic behind the new policy the TSA director cleared his throat and blinked.

The TSA plans the rollout of this program to begin at airports in Los Angeles and South Beach, Florida sometime near spring break.

“This time frame will allow us to root out hot, young, and nubile terrorists,” Pistole said, licking his lips. The STRIPPER scanners will be installed at great expense by an unnamed and well-connected government contractor.

For further information on the new program go to: HTTP://TSA.CO.GOV/HOTNEWS/STRIPPER.

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The author of this piece focuses his energies on writing satire, stand-up comedy, and shameful self-gratification.  He was raised deep within a Southern California suburban monastery.

Updates Coming

I’m getting ready to get this party started again. Hold on to your butts. I’ll start with all the Plots We Imagined the TSA Protected Us From that I received. First plot is going up Friday. There will be a new one up approximately every week from there, for at least a couple months.

-NJR

Contest Winner Decisions are Being Made Today

There were so many hilarious entries. There were quite a few that weren’t exactly fictional plots, but which were funny as hell, nonetheless. I’m planning on having every Monday from mid-December on devoted to the publication of a fictional terrorist plot. It’ll go on that way for a few months. More soon on the winners and all the runners-up.

-NJR

The First Annual Plots We Imagine the TSA Foiled Contest is Closed

Thanks to everyone who entered. I have a lot of great entries over here, which are going to make for some tough decisions. I’ll have the winners chosen and notified within the next 10 days.

-NJR

Five Days Left for the Plots We Imagine TSA Protected Us From Contest

I’ve received some great entries to the Plots We Imagine contest, which have made me smile and laugh. There’s still a damn good chance for anyone to step in and come out a winner; we’re not dealing with a New Yorker call for submissions, here, with hundreds of people competing for one spot. This is a niche site and a niche contest, so the odds are quite good for anyone to win. Everyone gets published, everyone remains anonymous if so desired, free plugs to your websites or blogs. I’ll even extend the deadline one last time, to Wednesday, November 13th, since the LAX incident made me forget to issue a reminder to get those entries in. Details of the contest can be found here.

On the LAX Shooting

This whole thing didn’t come as much of a surprise to me. It was inevitable that this would happen. As a TSA screener, I–we–had Active Shooter training at least once a year. We all knew that it would eventually happen. TSA screeners are well aware that they’re looked at with disdain or apathy by most of the traveling public.

I’ve been writing this blog from day 1 with the knowledge that there is always the possibility that, at any time, something horrible may happen involving a person or people with malicious intent going to the airport and either making it through security and harming a plane, or launching an attack on the airport itself. I have been well aware that when that day comes– when those days come– I will have to answer the question, posed either implicitly or explicitly by readers, “So, is all of this still funny?”

This blog’s About page set up my position in regard to the TSA before the first post was even published. There are several blogs out there that regularly cover the TSA; this blog (which hasn’t been updated much lately, and I apologize, but I’ve been working on a book based on my time at the TSA, as well as working a day job, on top of working by night as an editor for a couple different websites) this blog deals with the TSA in a satirical manner, first and foremost, and second, as a defender of the good, everyman/everywoman TSA employees out there. This blog’s second post was a conscious decision on my part to make that clear. I know there are good TSA employees out there, because I’ve met a lot of them; I still talk to some of them.

What I advocate is for someone to step in and clean house at TSA by firing a lot of the higher-ups in the top-heavy organization that is the TSA, not for someone to go to an airport and begin firing at workers. I believe the screener re-certification system at TSA is absurd and should be revamped. I believe that the full body scanners should be largely removed from checkpoints, since they are invasive, their efficacy is limited, and they can easily be bypassed, anyway. I believe that the promotion system at TSA should be reformed, since it is too often the case that TSA screeners with questionable qualifications, to say the least, end up in supervisory and managerial positions. I believe the BDO program should be largely done away with. Yes, I’m aware that the officer who was killed at LAX was a BDO; I am saying that I wish he hadn’t been standing there, on several levels.

As a former TSA employee, the news saddened me that a TSA screener was killed at LAX. I believe that in a perfect world, there wouldn’t be so many crazy people out there with guns intent on making their points with violence, but here we are. There are a lot of sad and infuriating things in the world; my goal is to try to find humor in them, whenever possible. I see no humor in what went down at LAX on Friday, and so I leave it at that.

What’s Going on With LAX?

Just a few weeks ago we had a TSA employee threatening passengers at LAX, and now we have a passenger killing a TSA employee at LAX. I’ll be back relatively soon with more on this.

I’m Paying $550 for Post-9/11 Homeland Security-Related Humor

For most of the several years that I worked airport security for the Transportation Security Administration, it felt as though my primary, day-to-day function boiled down to plain old harassment of the flying public, in the service of maintaining the illusion of security from terrorism. From the absurdity of forcing a grandmother to remove her sandals before passing through security while allowing her 6-foot-tall, “12-year-old” grandson to keep his boots on, to confiscating a jar of peanut butter from one passenger while allowing another passenger’s knitting needles to glide right through the checkpoint, to ordering toddlers to get inside of nude radiation scanners and assume the position, today, as a former TSA employee, I feel guilty that I was a part of all that for so long.

I was paying my way through college for most of my time at the TSA, and in the depths of a recession, to boot. I clung to the job for dear life, despite my misgivings about the organization’s mission. It’s true that, even though I was silently opposed to many of the orders that my superiors at TSA were sending down, I still took a paycheck in return, which means that I was being– yes–a hypocrite. 

I’m sorry, dear passengers.

Over the past 10 months I have been trying to give back to the public through this site, and now I would like to take that a tiny step further. From the very beginning I have been planning to hold a contest: “Terror Plots the TSA Imagines It Has Protected Us From Since Its Inception.” This blog’s “About” tab started out with an assurance that I would one day hold such a contest, but I removed it a few months back due to my fear that I was promising something I wouldn’t be able to deliver. Well, today, I deliver.  It’s time to put my money where my mouth is.

Not too long ago, the retirement money that I accrued while working for the TSA (my Thrift Savings Plan money) was finally sent to me. Though it was no large sum, it was at least a little something, and I am giving away that little something over the next year, as a tiny bit of compensation to the flying public for the harassment and aggravation they have suffered at the TSA’s hands since 9/11. Here’s your chance to get some of your wasted tax dollars back, dear passengers. Or, at the very least, your chance to read some amusing writing.

The first contest:

Plots the TSA Imagines it Has Protected Us from Since its Inception

Confiscated cupcake-in-a-jar

A call for humorous pieces (350-word minimum, 2000-word maximum) outlining the details of a ridiculous terrorist plot that someone at the TSA likely imagines has been foiled due to the TSA’s procedures, rules, or general style of doing things at airports, train stations or public events since 9/11. Humor is the name of the game. Sarcastic. Satirical. Snarky. Some examples of what we’re going for can be found, on this site, here and here (in my response to the reader’s question on that second one). Further inspiration as to style and tone can be found on Bruce Schneier’s blog, via the winner of his second annual Movie Plot Threat Contest, which was a gorgeous fictional terrorist plot providing the backstory to a hypothetical TSA decision to ban all water from commercial flights. Your plot need not be that involved, but shooting for that degree of detail definitely won’t hurt your chances of winning.

Remember, this is the organization that had a spokesperson officially defend a cupcake confiscation last year, with a completely straight face.

Deadline is Wednesday, November 13th, at 11: 59 P.M. Eastern Standard Time. $300 for first place, $150 for second, $100 for third, payable through PayPal. Entries should be sent to takingsenseaway@gmail.com, copy/pasted into the body of the email. Author’s bios are not necessary, but are not forbidden, by any means.

I will publish as many of the entries as possible, including the non-winners. If you have a website or blog that you would like to plug at the bottom of your entry, just let me know. All submitters will remain strictly anonymous unless otherwise requested.

Here is an FAQ for some inquiries that I foresee may pop up.

Are you serious about this?

Oh hell yes.

Who’s eligible?

Anyone with a PayPal account and the ability to write a 350-word piece of humor in English. Except for…

Who’s not eligible?

TSA/DHS employees.

How will payments be made, again?

PayPal only. If you don’t have a PayPal account, sign up for one. It’s free and easy.

How Do You Know That a TSA Employee Isn’t Going to Enter the Contest and Win, Thereby Defeating the Whole Purpose of the Contest?

Quite frankly, there are no guarantees in life. But I have faith in you, public. I have faith that you will ultimately win out in any potential battle to be more creative, clever and hilarious than your government counterparts. If I am able to determine that you’re a DHS/TSA employee trying to sneak into the contest, you will be disqualified, and I will think about shaming you. But I’m confident that the public will generally own this.

I am a very legally minded person: what rights are involved here?

Authors retain all rights to both their submissions and the winning entries. All I ask for is permission to display your work on this site. Additionally, I will formally ask all contestants for permission to display their work before doing so.

Who are you to judge a writing contest?

In addition to the dozens of articles on this blog, writing is actually my day job, and was my night job the entire time I was at TSA. I’ve appeared in a few respectable publications under my real name.

When’s the deadline again?

Deadline is Wednesday, November 13th, at 11: 59 PM E.S.T. All entries should be sent to takingsenseaway@gmail.com, with submissions copy/pasted into the body of the email. You will receive notice of receipt of your entry. Winners will be notified no later than November 20th, and announced no later than December 1st.

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