PLOT #1: THE iPAD PLOT.
Details of Plot Sent in by:
As-salamu alaykum. I don’t believe any further introduction is necessary, but just in case you’re not in razor-sharp airport security form today:
I am, quite frankly, a terrorist. Just one of the many terrorists that you so courageously and effectively deter in your day-to-day advanced counter terrorist mission at the airport.
Today I write to you in order to tell you that you shall never be forgiven for your latest upset of our plans. Allow me to give you some background, which you probably do not need, given your superlative intelligence gathering capabilities, but still.
The iPad plot that my brothers and I had so meticulously crafted over the past year and attempted, several times, to put into motion, was multi-tiered, very complex; so ingenious as never to be anticipated. So crazy…that it might have just worked.
We infiltrated your very organization, TSA—along with several key news outlet staff members, and a few iPad owning citizens. We, the terrorists, were planning to attempt to take down a plane using an iPad stuffed with 512 grams of PETN. We planned to smuggle the iPad through your dauntingly effective security under the pretense that we were setting up your screeners in a sort of sting operation. Surely, we believed, the TSA screeners would never suspect our plot; they would go about their usual day-to-day business of not stealing from the public and honorably upholding their duties as Federal employees sworn to defend the safety of the American citizens. The plan was perfect. If one of our operatives— posing as internal affairs investigators, ABC News reporters attempting to score an expose on thievery at the airport, and common citizens going through the checkpoint hoping that their iPads would not be stolen— were caught attempting to smuggle the iPad bomb through the checkpoint, then they would be able to claim that it was all just a test, and that the TSA had passed. But if, as we were sure would be the case, things went according to plan, the TSA agents would allow the iPads to go through their security unmolested, allowing us to rain terror down upon the infidels.
Imagine, then, our dismay, when your heroic TSA agents began foiling our plans, time after time! Selflessly taking our iPads HOME WITH THEM, risking life and limb in their quest to save the world from our terror!
The American public, in an ironic twist, actually believed these heroic TSA screeners to be CRIMINALS! They arrested them and splashed their pictures all over the front pages of newspapers as having been “caught in the act.” With all those news cameras and police around, we had no choice but to abort the mission every time. How your cunning TSA agents sniffed out our plot and came to the snap decision to take the iPad bombs home with them in order to defuse them in a controlled setting, is beyond us.
Let it suffice to say that our scheme would have worked, had it not been for your elite counter terrorism agents, throwing their blasted wrenches into our plans. The face of the cause of our latest defeat looks like this:
You may have won the battle, TSA, but the war is not yet over. Next up is our Rolex bomb, which, surely, your screeners will not attempt to heroically take home with them.
Wishing you the worst, (Allahu Akbar),