TSA Chief Orders Random Cell Phone Checks to Get Director of National Intelligence to Notice Him

Arlington, VA

Amid controversy surrounding the NSA’s secret program to collect and sift through millions of records from telecommunications companies, TSA chief John Pistole has reportedly developed a huge crush on Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, ordering front-line TSA workers to begin randomly checking passengers’ cell phones in  a bid to win Clapper’s affection.

“For a while there it was mostly us in the news when it came to accusations of 4th Amendment violations,” Pistole said, referring to his beleaguered Transportation Security Administration. “But then this thing with the NSA comes along, with Clapper at the helm. I just think it’s super hot, when a security director is willing to oversee an unsettling, sweeping surveillance program at the risk of being put in the hot seat by the media and privacy rights advocates, all in the name of fighting terrorism. Basically he’s everything I dream of in a security director.”

Pistole reportedly issued an emergency directive to TSA workers late Saturday night in the form of a “playbook operation,” instructing screeners at airports across the nation to randomly swab passengers’ cell phones, and then check the last 10 calls and text messages in the phones’ histories. In addition to swabbing and perusing passengers’ smartphones, screeners were also ordered to randomly record the contacts found within the phones, and then copy that information into what are known as PMIS reports, which will soon be forwarded to Clapper, after being stapled to handwritten love letters from Pistole sprayed with Gucci Guilty Intense.

“We have our full body scanners out there invading people’s privacy, and for a while that was really cool. We could look at people naked, which was great. It felt like we were playing with the big boys when we had the radiation scanners. But then privacy rights people backed us down and we had to compromise with these new scanners. You can’t see shit with those. Definitely no nude images.  I never get to have any fun,” Pistole said, kicking a can and pouting.

“Not like Clap. Clap is God,” he added, referring to his pet name for Mr. Clapper.

Pistole also cited the coolness of the NSA’s programs’ names as a factor in his budding infatuation.

“‘PRISM’ and ‘Boundless Informant’: these are really cool names for privacy-compromising anti-terrorism security programs. I bet Clapper came up with those. All of our invasive technology and programs have to be given these really lame, banal-sounding names, like ‘WBI technology with the right to opt-out,’ ‘Standard pat-down’ and ‘SPOT.’ I’m calling this cell phone play something awesome, so Clapper will notice. Maybe ‘Operation iPeek’ or something.”

Pistole reportedly first noticed Clapper in a news article which featured the National Intelligence Director defending the security value of the controversial surveillance programs while looking totally hot in his old military uniform. Passion was inflamed when Pistole learned that the programs under Clapper’s direction had allegedly foiled at least 2 terrorist plots.

“Oh man, what really did it was when I heard The Clap say that he had proof that his programs had actually prevented terrorist attacks. At the TSA we do lots of poking into people’s privacy, but we never get any solid evidence of terrorism prevention that we can point to. When Clapper told that reporter that his surveillance program had actually been the key to thwarting Najibullah Zazi’s 2009 N.Y.C subway bombing plot, I got weak in the knees,” Pistole said.

“I mean, that was a transportation-related terrorist plot. That was sort of under my watch. Clapper’s all over the place, covering my ass and his. How sexy can you get?”

In addition to Pistole’s admiration for the NSA programs under Clapper’s direction, sources close to the crush report that Pistole has drawn up a list of other traits he finds dreamy in Clapper, reportedly written in a ruled-notebook adorned with magenta hearts. The list allegedly includes the entries “Interview-poise,” “Pretty green eyes,”  “Cute Yoda ears,” and “Way he flexed muscles at Edward Snowden.” Pistole confirmed the last trait to be the dreamiest.

“A whistleblower spills the beans at the NSA, and you see how Clapper handles it. Clapper comes right out and calls bullshit, releasing a cool ‘list of myths‘ that the media covers. Hell, even the president falls in line behind Clapper. The Clap makes sure whistleblowers get dealt with like a man. When I have a whistleblower on my hands, all I get is grief,” Pistole said, sighing as he gazed at a glossy 8×10  of Clapper.

“Grief and lawsuits. That I lose.”

Pistole says that he would like to take things slow with Clapper, being that his feelings are for real this time, unlike his 2011 obsession with Yoram Cohen, chief of Shin Bet, the Israeli Security Agency.

“I’m just hoping The Clap and I can maybe share information over coffee, or something.”

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