TSA Plans Vaguely Stupid Security Measures in Light of Vaguely Menacing Terrorist Threat

One artist’s rendering of the possible threat.

ARLINGTON, VA- In light of the vague, unprecedented travel alert issued by U.S. authorities on Friday, an anonymous source at the Transportation Security Administration has indicated that a similarly vague, stupid and unprecedented security measure will soon be rolled out at airports across the nation.

“When we got word that the Security Alert Level had been elevated due to intelligence gathered by the NSA, oh man, we all got really excited up here in central command,” said a source close to the matter, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “It felt like it could be the beginning of a new Golden Era, like the good old days, back when the Terror Alert Level was stuck on ‘Orange’ all the time for some reason. Here at headquarters, we’ve been up on an all-nighter, trying to get a really vague random security measure rolled out to airports, to match the NSA’s contribution on this vague security alert. There’s definitely a competitive feeling here. Just once we’d like to out-do that damned NSA.”

TSA higher-ups long for the days of the color-coded panic system.

The anonymous source declined to go into any specifics of the security measures that the TSA is considering, but offered a range of possibilities, from “Swabbing the socks of every male shorter than 5’5 or maybe just all males between the hours of 6:25 and 7:33 P.M. Eastern Standard Time” to “Mandatory X-Ray inspections of dog collars and brightly colored baby pacifiers” to “Asking passengers if they can do The Robot, and if so, would they like to do it in a private area” to “Just sort of looking really closely at the spots on the floor where passengers were just standing.”

“The Robot,” an illusory street dance that the TSA may be asking passengers at airports to perform in light of the vague threat.

“Whatever vague thing we end up doing, it is going to be goddamned stupid, it is going to be random, and God willing, it is going to finally put those NSA people in their place, ” the anonymous TSA source said.

An agency demonstration of the positions that female passengers may be asked to assume at airports.

“I mean, what are the chances? U.S. intelligence stumbles upon this menacing beauty right when its surveillance programs are under fire. Lucky bastards,” the source added.


UPDATE 8/3/2013: The anonymous source has leaked the below diagrams intended for future release to the public as part of the TSA’s forthcoming step-by-step “How Should I Get Down if a TSA Officer Asks Me to do The Robot at the Airport?” awareness campaign:


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